invisagirl

this journal is public, BUT I do friends lock some stuff... I am the face of my buisness and being an artist excuses some of my moodiness and oddness, but some things should never be googleable, yes? and I like to know who's reading me [lurkers beware!] so add me if you want to follow along.

Feeling extraordinarily moody.
Sad and hopeless.
Awesome.
Why aren't I drinking?

there are these places in my heart,
roped off in sections,
where heartache and graces and joy and sweet faces all clamor
for attention in my world.
the problem is that contentment and stability
have no intensity.
they dont cut quick
bleed dramatically
demand audience.
they grow slowly. nurtured
by friends and family.
they hold you
just because theyre there
its nice
not because you desperately need them to.
sometimes you dont realize how much you love it,
or that it was there at all until its
gone.

okay, no i didnt. i hate hellos almost as much as i hate good byes. people should just come in and pretend theyve always been there and when they leave it should be like they had never been there. the conversation that accompanies entrances and exits hits me as unusually stupid. the worst kind of small talk, "come on in" what else would you do? spend the entire party standing on the stoop? "how was the drive?" do you really care how everyones drive was? we were in a car and then i was on your doorstep and now i am answering this question that doesnt matter at all.

"id have made better time if it werent for hitting that turkey on the highway"
*awkward laughter*
"what was that like?"
"an awful bloody pinata."
(true story. happened tuesday)

in other more upsetting news, there was a boy found dead in maine. dont get me wrong, i feel bad. he was killed by his mum, thats a special kind of fucked up, but i have to hide all the comments and posts about him on facebook, because my anger over floweth and then i say horrible things in a semi public space and make more people angry and then everyone is angry... and sad. not nessisary. because my views on how people react in these situations is extreme... my reactions to what people SAY about these kinds of things is unpopular. just best to shuddap.

despite my almost overwhelming depression, today doesnt seem too bad.

yeah i dont know, i used to blog a lot, put a lot of fictional writings here, memoir and then... im just not as open as i used to be. but i liked the outlet. so maybe some intense filters will be put in place and then i'll let'er rip again.

you were so small...